[Chuuya really hates sitting in bed with Dazai standing over him, so he's going to swing his legs sideways, over the edge. Although that... actually puts him in a worse position, staring up at Dazai, with no room to actually stand. Not that he should try to stand. But he'll still try to push Dazai back to make room.]
Those were always the rules, you damn knock off mummy.
[He doesn't even have to think about the insults. They have a long list of them ready, and one is usually just a variation of another, and right now he's not wasting the energy to be creative about it.]
If you don't wanna do it, I'll find someone else.
[He easily could, but it wouldn't be the same. He hates that he can't let go of this connection.]
[That's better. Dazai doesn't let himself be pushed back at all, even if it means Chuuya crowding his space. Moving back would show weakness! It would be letting Chuuya win, and he's not doing that. Except-]
So? Who's stopping you?
[If Chuuya wants Dazai, then Dazai has agreed to do... whatever hypothetical they'd been talking about. If he wants someone else, Dazai isn't going to fight him over it. After all, this means nothing, so it shouldn't matter. If Chuuya wants to fuck again because it's Dazai, then that's his own problem to figure out. And if he just wants to fuck in general? Dazai has no doubt that Chuuya can find someone else, though he's definitely not going to admit that.]
[Chuuya stands there awkwardly when Dazai doesn't step back. He doesn't have the strength to shove him harder - barely has the strength to stand still - but he can't back away now. Except now he's not sure what his own plan was.]
No one.
[Dazai is warm. He can feel that warmth again. Chuuya's gaze flickers sideways, feeling awkward.]
You know what pisses me off about what happened? Why the hell am I always the one who has to trust you.
[He does trust him. He deosn't regret trusting him. But it's still left him feeling too vulnerable this time.]
[They're facing each other, even though it's off-balance from the height; it always has been, though these days it's more obvious than it used to be. A lot of things are different, but even more things are the same, and it's something Dazai really doesn't get. He's given Chuuya so many reasons for things to change, for them to never speak again--though sometimes, Dazai is the one seeking him out, sending stupid rigged packages to his house, showing up at bars he knows Chuuya frequents. Not that he'd ever admit that.]
I never tell you to trust me. In fact, I'd be the first to tell you to do the exact opposite. [Unless he's being annoying just for the hell of it.
But... that's not to say Dazai doesn't trust Chuuya. He does, probably more deeply than anyone, though that's personal and private and he's not going to outwardly show it. Still, Dazai knows Chuuya would never betray him, even if they're in some fucked up situation where he ought to, and perhaps that's the most annoying thing of all.]
[That's Chuuya's only real response to that. Dazai can insist Chuuya shouldn't trust him all he wants, but Chuuya knows that he can. He knows what Dazai is willing to do and what he isn't, especially when they're stuck together in a situation like that. They always have each other's backs. It's the fact that he's supposed to go back to pretending that --
No. It's not pretending. They're enemies. He reminds himself of that, and tries to shove Dazai back again.]
You're a shitty liar.
[That's just objectively not true, but it should at least annoy Dazai to hear Chuuya say it, and right now that's his goal.]
[Dazai isn't going to let himself be pushed back, though he knows if Chuuya had any force to put behind it, he'd at least be giving a good few steps. Either Chuuya isn't trying, or he doesn't have enough strength to put behind the shove just yet--probably the latter.]
I'm a shitty liar?
[It's definitely not true; Dazai is the best liar he knows, even convincing himself of certain things that are simply not true, things he's not going to name and may or may not have anything to do with present company. It does annoy him to hear it, though. God, he hates Chuuya.
He also hates that they're in this situation in the first place.]
Over half the things I tell you are lies, and I'm sure you can't figure out any of them.
[Sometimes, at least. He knows he can't always tell, but he definitely knows more often than Dazai wants him to, and since mentioning it is clearly annoying Dazai he's gonna keep doing it.]
You say you'd be the first person to tell me not to trust you, but you never actually have.
You have no idea when I’m lying unless I want you to.
[Dazai would say this to anyone, and it would be true for the most part. There are a handful of people who can tell, enough to be counted on a single hand. Chuuya is, unfortunately, sometimes one of them, but it’s not like Dazai would ever admit it.]
I thought not trusting me was a survival instinct everyone has, but you seem to be without any of those. Clearly, since I found you out in the rain just now.
[He reaches out to push at Chuuya’s chest—not hard, just a brief touch with the tips of his fingers. Anything more, and Chuuya really might actually fall over, and Dazai isn’t trying to do that at the moment.]
[Chuuya is expecting to be shoved back. When he isn't, he glances down, staring at that hand for a few seconds.]
I know it was stupid.
[He'd nearly collapsed. No, he had collapsed in the end, so there's no point in denying it now. And sometimes about that touch feels a little grounding, drains the fight out of him.]
I didn't want to think, and I was sent home from work.
[Chuuya admitting he’d been stupid is something unexpected. He must really be feeling off if he’s not fighting over that at all, or pushing away Dazai’s hand. Then again, Dazai isn’t moving it away.
The fact that he was sent home from work explains it, how he’d pushed himself to go running even in his current state, and Dazai sighs.]
I’d have sent you home, too. You look awful.
[Chuuya has always been like this; Dazai remembers it well. He wishes he didn’t.]
Clearly, whatever you were trying to do didn’t work.
[Chuuya looks up again, a little annoyed, but too tired to argue.]
Shut up.
[He knows he looks like shit, Dazai doesn't have to rub it in. And he would have preferred working to resting at home anyway. He could have just worked more slowly, even if he did end up passing out over his desk. There are more things to distract him there, to keep his mind off what happened, what they did.
He drops his own hand, then changes his mind, places it on Dazai's wrist instead. It's a mirror of how they usually grip each other.]
[Does Dazai have any better ideas? No, because he's probably worse at taking care of himself than Chuuya is, but at least he's aware of the fact that whatever he's doing is more detrimental to his health. Chuuya is stubborn, always wants to be doing something, and the people he works with actually like him and don't want him to end up passing out from exhaustion. Thus, it makes sense that he was sent home.
Glancing down at the hand on his wrist, Dazai is silent a moment before looking back up.]
Yes, actually. It's called getting in bed and resting like a normal person.
[He doesn't think Chuuya will go for it, particularly not with the abrasive way Dazai says it--but that's how he says everything when it comes to them. He moves his hand, finally, pushes his palm against Chuuya's chest, and presses a little harder, as though threatening to push him back onto the bed.]
[Chuuya loses his balance for a second when Dazai pushes him. It would normally take a lot more, but he barely has the strength to hold himself up as it is. He tightens his grip on Dazai's wrist, uses that to hold himself up, stubbornly, because even though he kind of does want to listen to Dazai, now it's a matter of not wanting to lose.]
That fixes one problem.
[He shouldn't acknowledge that there's more than one problem. It's just that Corruption has drained him, nothing else. It's not that he can't shut off his mind, get Dazai out of his head.
It's not that he's felt annoyingly empty since it happened.]
I don't give a shit about being exhausted. You know that.
[It's evidence to just how exhausted he is that Chuuya's balance is thrown off by just a small push. Dazai considers pushing harder, just to actually get him into bed, but knows that he'd resist and probably just get right back up. Besides, Chuuya is admitting that there's more than one problem, which likely has something to do with what he'd asked Dazai earlier--about doing again what they'd done in that room.
It's a dangerous topic. They haven't really discussed it, but Dazai would be lying if he said it hadn't thrown him off, too, and that's the reason he was wandering around the city. Fortunately, he's never cared about lying, so he's absolutely going to say that, because it meant nothing, was just something they had to do like every other mission they've done together.
It just... was a little more intimate. On Chuuya's part, anyway, so no wonder he's all out of sorts about it. Dazai has nothing to be bothered about, so he isn't!]
I know, and it's annoying. Besides, your problems aren't mine to fix. Get some sleep, go break something, I don't know. [He shifts his hand, a signal he's going to move it back and that Chuuya should let go of his wrist.]
[For a split second, Chuuya looks like Dazai just punched him. No, if Dazai punched him, he'd grin, call him weak, and punch back - at least when he's not drained like he is - while his expression now is just. Open shock. Hurt. An expression that flickers across his face and disappears, before he lets go of Dazai's wrist completely.
And he's back to his usual defensive anger.]
You're right, so stop getting involved and get the hell out of here.
[He pushes Dazai again, and then jerks his thumb towards the door. It's better this way. Chuuya might rest, but either way, he'll recover from Corruption in a few days. He'll pull himself together. He'll forget about all of this.
He won't expect anything from Dazai. And he definitely won't ask him about sex again, either.]
[Oh. That was... honestly not what Dazai meant to do. He doesn't like that look on Chuuya's face, genuine hurt rather than anger he's familiar with, and an uncomfortable feeling of guilt settles in Dazai's stomach. He dislikes it; he's not the sort of person who ought to feel any such thing. He'd long ago left guilt behind, and any time it creeps up on him is a sign that things are not going well.
Then again, they really aren't going well, so.
Dazai pulls his hand back. Whatever was between them before this is gone, and he's not going to seek it out because he knows it's not supposed to be like that. This is how things are supposed to be. It's better this way. If he's lucky, Chuuya will forget about what he'd asked earlier.
Why did he get involved, anyway? He should have left Chuuya out there.]
Good luck. [He turns, shoves his hands deep in his pockets. Honestly, before this Dazai had considered returning home after leaving, but now he figures he might as well just wander a bit more.]
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no subject
Those were always the rules, you damn knock off mummy.
[He doesn't even have to think about the insults. They have a long list of them ready, and one is usually just a variation of another, and right now he's not wasting the energy to be creative about it.]
If you don't wanna do it, I'll find someone else.
[He easily could, but it wouldn't be the same. He hates that he can't let go of this connection.]
no subject
So? Who's stopping you?
[If Chuuya wants Dazai, then Dazai has agreed to do... whatever hypothetical they'd been talking about. If he wants someone else, Dazai isn't going to fight him over it. After all, this means nothing, so it shouldn't matter. If Chuuya wants to fuck again because it's Dazai, then that's his own problem to figure out. And if he just wants to fuck in general? Dazai has no doubt that Chuuya can find someone else, though he's definitely not going to admit that.]
no subject
No one.
[Dazai is warm. He can feel that warmth again. Chuuya's gaze flickers sideways, feeling awkward.]
You know what pisses me off about what happened? Why the hell am I always the one who has to trust you.
[He does trust him. He deosn't regret trusting him. But it's still left him feeling too vulnerable this time.]
no subject
I never tell you to trust me. In fact, I'd be the first to tell you to do the exact opposite. [Unless he's being annoying just for the hell of it.
But... that's not to say Dazai doesn't trust Chuuya. He does, probably more deeply than anyone, though that's personal and private and he's not going to outwardly show it. Still, Dazai knows Chuuya would never betray him, even if they're in some fucked up situation where he ought to, and perhaps that's the most annoying thing of all.]
no subject
[That's Chuuya's only real response to that. Dazai can insist Chuuya shouldn't trust him all he wants, but Chuuya knows that he can. He knows what Dazai is willing to do and what he isn't, especially when they're stuck together in a situation like that. They always have each other's backs. It's the fact that he's supposed to go back to pretending that --
No. It's not pretending. They're enemies. He reminds himself of that, and tries to shove Dazai back again.]
You're a shitty liar.
[That's just objectively not true, but it should at least annoy Dazai to hear Chuuya say it, and right now that's his goal.]
no subject
I'm a shitty liar?
[It's definitely not true; Dazai is the best liar he knows, even convincing himself of certain things that are simply not true, things he's not going to name and may or may not have anything to do with present company. It does annoy him to hear it, though. God, he hates Chuuya.
He also hates that they're in this situation in the first place.]
Over half the things I tell you are lies, and I'm sure you can't figure out any of them.
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[Sometimes, at least. He knows he can't always tell, but he definitely knows more often than Dazai wants him to, and since mentioning it is clearly annoying Dazai he's gonna keep doing it.]
You say you'd be the first person to tell me not to trust you, but you never actually have.
no subject
[Dazai would say this to anyone, and it would be true for the most part. There are a handful of people who can tell, enough to be counted on a single hand. Chuuya is, unfortunately, sometimes one of them, but it’s not like Dazai would ever admit it.]
I thought not trusting me was a survival instinct everyone has, but you seem to be without any of those. Clearly, since I found you out in the rain just now.
[He reaches out to push at Chuuya’s chest—not hard, just a brief touch with the tips of his fingers. Anything more, and Chuuya really might actually fall over, and Dazai isn’t trying to do that at the moment.]
no subject
I know it was stupid.
[He'd nearly collapsed. No, he had collapsed in the end, so there's no point in denying it now. And sometimes about that touch feels a little grounding, drains the fight out of him.]
I didn't want to think, and I was sent home from work.
[That's not helping his case.]
no subject
The fact that he was sent home from work explains it, how he’d pushed himself to go running even in his current state, and Dazai sighs.]
I’d have sent you home, too. You look awful.
[Chuuya has always been like this; Dazai remembers it well. He wishes he didn’t.]
Clearly, whatever you were trying to do didn’t work.
no subject
Shut up.
[He knows he looks like shit, Dazai doesn't have to rub it in. And he would have preferred working to resting at home anyway. He could have just worked more slowly, even if he did end up passing out over his desk. There are more things to distract him there, to keep his mind off what happened, what they did.
He drops his own hand, then changes his mind, places it on Dazai's wrist instead. It's a mirror of how they usually grip each other.]
Obviously not. Got any better ideas?
no subject
Glancing down at the hand on his wrist, Dazai is silent a moment before looking back up.]
Yes, actually. It's called getting in bed and resting like a normal person.
[He doesn't think Chuuya will go for it, particularly not with the abrasive way Dazai says it--but that's how he says everything when it comes to them. He moves his hand, finally, pushes his palm against Chuuya's chest, and presses a little harder, as though threatening to push him back onto the bed.]
no subject
That fixes one problem.
[He shouldn't acknowledge that there's more than one problem. It's just that Corruption has drained him, nothing else. It's not that he can't shut off his mind, get Dazai out of his head.
It's not that he's felt annoyingly empty since it happened.]
I don't give a shit about being exhausted. You know that.
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It's a dangerous topic. They haven't really discussed it, but Dazai would be lying if he said it hadn't thrown him off, too, and that's the reason he was wandering around the city. Fortunately, he's never cared about lying, so he's absolutely going to say that, because it meant nothing, was just something they had to do like every other mission they've done together.
It just... was a little more intimate. On Chuuya's part, anyway, so no wonder he's all out of sorts about it. Dazai has nothing to be bothered about, so he isn't!]
I know, and it's annoying. Besides, your problems aren't mine to fix. Get some sleep, go break something, I don't know. [He shifts his hand, a signal he's going to move it back and that Chuuya should let go of his wrist.]
no subject
And he's back to his usual defensive anger.]
You're right, so stop getting involved and get the hell out of here.
[He pushes Dazai again, and then jerks his thumb towards the door. It's better this way. Chuuya might rest, but either way, he'll recover from Corruption in a few days. He'll pull himself together. He'll forget about all of this.
He won't expect anything from Dazai. And he definitely won't ask him about sex again, either.]
no subject
Then again, they really aren't going well, so.
Dazai pulls his hand back. Whatever was between them before this is gone, and he's not going to seek it out because he knows it's not supposed to be like that. This is how things are supposed to be. It's better this way. If he's lucky, Chuuya will forget about what he'd asked earlier.
Why did he get involved, anyway? He should have left Chuuya out there.]
Good luck. [He turns, shoves his hands deep in his pockets. Honestly, before this Dazai had considered returning home after leaving, but now he figures he might as well just wander a bit more.]