[That angry expression doesn't scare him. Anger has never scared him, at least not when it's wielded by other people. Violence is his own weapon, and Fyodor has already hurt him. He stares back for several moments.]
You want me to touch you.
[Just going to call him out on that.
But he won't punch again. Part of him wants to, but he also doesn't want to ruin this (if he didn't already), so he adjusts his coat over his shoulders and then shoves his hands back into his pockets and steps back, away. He's going to leave more distance between them than really feels comfortable, before hopping onto the ledge, his turn to sit there. He'll let the two of them talk.]
And speak Japanese, assholes. If I don't understand, I'm punching both of you.
Is that so? [ fyodor tilts his head, faux-innocence in the gesture as he looks at chuuya, briefly. does he want chuuya to touch him? yes, but not right now and not like that. that the keeper of arahabaki is beautiful is true but fyodor isn't simply swayed by a pretty face or then dazai would've caused him a lot more grief while sharing the same space in prison. being cornered like this, however, does not put him in a good mood (not that he was in one before). ]
Do I? [ dostoevsky turns his attention back to dazai since he's the closest and the bigger threat right now; his hand presses against the concrete ledge. he feels hostility and longing and none of it is good. ] Ah, I see. [ but does he? fyodor is intelligent, that is true and he understands emotions yes, he feels them to some extent but not normally like this.
this mixture that could end in disaster and fyodor shields any shred of humanity from his eyes, making his stare flat and bored, though the discomfort and anger are visible in the way his mouth curls when speaking. ]
You have so little faith in me. Both of you. It must be nice to have a godling at your beck and call, Dazai.
[It's more a statement than a question, said with great nonchalance - but then, it's not the most important point here anyway. Perhaps, all things considered, it's true that Chuuya had exaggerated his reaction to Fyodor's mostly-incorrect (partly-incorrect?) jumping to conclusions, but even if that's true, it only means they have a little more time to fix things. The problem, clearly, still exists.]
Isn't it you who have little faith in us, Fedya?
[To go back to the topic on hand - not that they ever really left it.]
[He's just stating it as fact, not an accusation, his tone still frustrated but more downplayed than it normally would be. He's trying to hold it back so they can actually talk about this, because he doesn't want to fuck it up even more. He definitely feels like this is his fault.
He pulls one leg up on the ledge with him.]
Do you need me to beat up Dazai to prove myself or what?
I do have little faith in both of you, but when has that ever been a secret? [ a partial truth; fyodor had demonstrated more than just a little faith in them, it took the shape of intimacy, of allowing himself to be in a room with the two of them. of holding back crime and punishment from surfacing even without dazai's no longer human around to nullify it. but it also wasn't significant faith; he may allow himself to sleep in front of them but he doesn't trust them not to turn on him if he picks the book.
and the book... fyodor doesn't think he truly understand how necessary it is to fix this world, but that is not a discussion right now. this is a lot more personal than goals that could lead to the end of the world (even if a misstep meant they would all hurl towards it, inevitably). ] I did wonder if there is anything you could do to each other that would truly break your bond. My conclusion so far is that there is not.
Chuuya could beat you within an inch of your life and you'd still forgive him in that very particular way of yours Dazai. Nothing of this has ever been about me.
[ he will never be able to be human enough to be on the side of good ] And, thanks to the godling it finally occurred to me that this experiment of yours Dazai is entirely about you. [ which, maybe he always had felt that way about it but now... ] I have no desire to be reduced to a pawn after having been your equal.
[Chuuya, no free will? What a hilarious concept! Dazai smirks lazily; under better circumstances, he would have burst out laughing.]
Now that is a bad joke.
[There's a grain of truth to it, perhaps, but the key point about Chuuya is that he does have free will. It's just that his choice is often to serve others in some capacity or other. If he truly had no free will - especially in that - he wouldn't be at all interesting.
Not that Dazai wants to admit to any interest, there, anyway. And he would certainly never forgive Chuuya for beating him up, how dare you suggest such a thing?! But, again, he tries to focus on the actual problem.
He walks over to Fyodor, sits down on the ledge next to him - not close enough to touch, but close enough to be emphatically seeking proximity physically as well as emotionally (for whatever emotions mean to either of them; for whatever such actions are worth when they're not a native language to either of them).]
How fortunate! I have no desire to reduce you to a pawn, either. [... Well... in the interest of full honesty (or as close as he ever gets to that), let him specify:] Certainly not in this.
We're similar, but we're not the same. Whatever the outcome for you, it doesn't influence my own results, does it? [He taps his fingers on the ledge, a brief, random rhythm.] I won't deny the benefits of multiple samples in this as any other experiment, but that was never my reason for doing this.
[ dostoevsky turns his head to look at dazai ] I didn't agree to this simply to satisfy your curiosity. [ fyodor had agreed because of odasaku—dazai's story that night had made him feel unbearably fond of the other; it had seemed easy to agree to the proposal then. to find something on the side of good, to feel or something. except, fyodor doesn't feel like things are about that anymore. he will not bring up odasaku here right now because he is an asshole but dazai had shown him courtesy before, so he returns it now. ]
I have no desire to see my humanity played as an experiment for your satisfaction—but you know this, you knew this. Did you not? I could allow this before but I cannot anymore. Will not.
[ oh.
he looks away and shifts, facing the opposite way towards the skyline despite having moved closer; the same casual opening for physical and emotional intimacy offered by dazai. ] Those differences between us seemed nonexistent before and now they are stark, sharp— like you're peeling my skin and I am unable to get under yours. That doesn't feel right.
I had no intention of pressuring you into agreeing in the first place.
[A bit brutal, if you squint, but that's not how he means it, his voice soft, perhaps a touch empty, hollow around the edges. No, this hadn't been about him, and he doesn't think his intentions were nearly as selfish as Fyodor claims, but... even if there was only the thinnest selfish lining to them, the desperate desire to have some company and understanding in this undesired life of his, Dazai can't say that Fyodor's feelings are wrong or even unexpected.
This may not be Dazai's fault, but it's still the marital bed he made, and he'll have to lie in it. Or be truthful in it, as the case may be. But what even to say in this kind of situation? He really doesn't want to pressure Fyodor - not with this.
Ah... He did it again, didn't he? He wanted something, and therefore he lost it.]
... Sorry. This wasn't the outcome I had in mind.
[He means the way Fyodor is feeling, not the more practical results of Fyodor throwing a minor tantrum. Those are, after all, Fyodor's own choice, and Dazai has no say over them, even if he will stop Fyodor if he chooses to try destroying the world again.]
[ then, sentimental as he's become he reaches one hand to set it over dazai's, thumb running along the knuckles in silent acknowledgement of that apology. ] I do not enjoy feeling separated from you. [ lonely, dostoevsky had not been lonely in so long that he had forgotten the ache of it, brutal as it is. he looks at dazai and chuuya and thinks they keep each other company well, and he's an outsider. it is the simplest of logics but the most difficult of emotions for a man long used to feeling them as muted dreams at best. ] Zaia, if I cannot read you as I'm supposed to, what will happen? How can this be sustainable or advanced?
[ fyodor isn't afraid of dying nor if being alone; he might not like the second one very much but it is manageable. ]
It's coming to a point now, I must give up the book or return to my objective. How else can this move forward without that choice being made?
[ and maybe that's why he's reacted so badly too; he feels trapped. it feels like he's been tricked into this, made into a pawn rather than an equal.]
And in my current state, what I will do will not be the clean cut I envisioned. It will be messy and many are going to die, not only because they must but because I want to express this ... feeling.
[ on the plus side: he's saying this directly rather than going through with it right away???? ]
[Chuuya's eyes widen as he stares at them. He's got both feet up on the ledge now, turned sideways so he can watch, because it's not like he has to worry about falling. And the two of them are good at drawing all of his attention.
But he doesn't like this. He doesn't like any of this.]
Since when the hell do you apologize?
[Sure, it's aimed at Dazai, but it's meant for Fyodor. And he's even breaking one of the cardinal rules for dealing with Dazai: Never point these things out to him, or he'll run. But it's so fucking obvious that Dazai gives a shit here. And if Dazai wants to fix things with Fyodor, maybe he'll stay.
He wants to move closer, but he feels like he shouldn't.]
Why would you need to be able to read each other perfectly?
[It should be a relief, having Fyodor touch him that way, but instead it only brings home how fragile things truly are, the gesture feeling like a potential goodbye as much as an attempt to reconnect. For the moment, therefore, Dazai doesn't reciprocate. He's not sure he has the right, anyway.
Chuuya gets a dirty look for daring to suggest that Dazai never apologizes - close to the truth as it may be! - but Dazai doesn't start that particular argument here and now. Apart from anything else: this is not about the two of them.
... Well, maybe just a little dig after the fact, once Dazai does finally speak again.]
While Chuuya's brain is as small as all the rest of him, what he says does have a grain of truth to it.
If we've reached the limits of how far we can read each other [because, while he doesn't otherwise point it out, that is certainly mutual, as is to be expected] the rest is up to trust, and communication.
[He does absolutely see the irony of a person like him using the T-word, but what else can he do? There comes a point when brains and logic and analysis can't get you any further, and you have to rely on other things at best, and the randomness of experimentation and chance at worst. That goes for trying to be on the side of good; perhaps it goes for relationships as well.]
You've already expressed your feeling, Fedya. I can't tell you what to do or not do with it, but I can tell you it's been heard.
[Not that he really knows what to do with it, himself - but hey, he never claimed to be an expert, here.]
[ when chuuya speaks, fyodor withdraws his touch. fingers coming to rest on his lap, long fingers tapping in the same way dazai's had been.
fyodor grimaces at chuuya's words, he doesn't agree—one should be able to, one should be able to slip into the skin of another and feel no separation. the closest there is so having a soul. but those are philosophical thoughts not the reality facing them now.
a sigh, loud and drawn out. discomfort radiating from such a simple act. ]
You say if, you do not think we have reached them?
Regardless, [ he leans forward, elbows on his knees as he considers.
he wants the book, he wants this, he wants—] I wish— I wish ... to be set free.
How long can the ADA keep something like me anyway?
[Chuuya flinches as a he sees Fyodor pull away. Maybe he shouldn't have spoken up - but he refuses to leave, not until he's sure the two of them are going to actually try to fix this and not just give up. He knows he's the one who fucked it up, and he can't just leave it like that. He hates this.]
Isn't that the point of getting to know each other? It takes time.
[It did for him and Dazai, too... And the two of them have never figured out communication at all. It's almost funny.]
If you want to be free, why are you here? You were pretty damn easy to find, Fyodor.
[He's managed to soften his tone a bit from his earlier anger, at least.]
I think there's no way of telling. Every day, those limits come a little closer, but as long as we keep moving forward, we'll never reach them.
[Strange and contradictory, but that's how it is. They can only come closer and closer to understanding each other fully with time, though there will likely always be some dark corners.
Dazai wishes Chuuya would stop talking, but that just means it's a day that ends in Y. If it's freedom Fyodor wants, he should have it. That's not anyone else's choice to make.]
I will not allow you to destroy this city or this country. That is not negotiable.
... But if you wish to be free of the ADA, I will make it happen. If you wish to find another avenue instead, I'll help you in whatever way I can.
[ that was the wrong thing to say; fyodor gets up and turns to look at chuuya, irritation visible in the way the russian begins to pace like a cornered animal. ] That is not what I meant. If I wanted to be free from you I'd have killed you already. [ because of course he's always going to default to murder as a solution.
he brings a finger to his mouth, nipping at the edge of it as he thinks. the skin gives way, it bleeds and fyodor finds that a comfort, bad habit or not. ]
And if I were speaking of destroying this city I would have been clear about that, too. This desire isn't linked to arbitrary destruction and murder, which are not things I engage in without purpose.
Which is what—if you want me to give up the book, in the state I am in, I cannot.
[ he is trapped by that, he wants to be free but that can't happen no matter what way he looks.
he needs dazai to understand. he needs chuuya to see. he doesn't entirely know how to do either when he himself can't find a way to summarize things. ]
[Chuuya physically draws back slightly, leaning back on the ledge. Part of him doesn't want to be here. Part of him wants to run away. He knows he's saying all the wrong things, and he wouldn't blame them for not wanting him there, but --]
You left.
[It's directed at Fyodor, but it might as well be for Dazai, considering everything. He drags his hands over the back of his neck, tension in his shoulders, in his face, even easier to read than normal. He hates not feeling like he should be part of this conversation.]
Do you even know what I'd be willing to give up for you? For either of you?
[The answer should be that obviously they know, but they don't, he thinks, because he's not sure he knew before this either. He has to fix it. He has to fix it for them. He hops down off the ledge, but he's not making eye contact.]
We can figure out a next step that doesn't go straight to giving it up.
[Dazai, too, is having some (not-actual-)regrets about this three-way relationship, because this conversation with Fyodor is awkward, even if it's necessary (and not necessarily bad), and then, on top of that, Chuuya has to say such clingy things and give Dazai the (thankfully only figurative) shivers. Dazai would be lying if he said he never wanted to have a proper relationship with another person ever, but right now? He's feeling the burden of such ties a lot more than the benefits. It makes him want to either burst out in highly inappropriate laughter or jump off the building, but unfortunately neither of those options will make things even a little bit better. Even less fortunately (perhaps?), he doesn't feel like he'd make him feel any better.
And so he goes for a third option that is equally out there, if a lot grosser to think about: he agrees with Chuuya (more or less).]
Mhm. If you can't give it up, don't give it up.
[That's something to work on for the future, then, but he can't force Fyodor to give up on anything - not really, and not long-term - and he knows it. More relevant here, though, is that he doesn't really want to corner Fyodor that way, even though he will absolutely do it out of necessity, if Yokohama is at risk.
Apart from that, though? The thrill of beating Fyodor wore off about .5 seconds after the victory in question - and that was before this weird relationship happened. Beyond the urgent and practical, keeping Fyodor under his thumb was never his goal.]
[ being cornered and coerced would be taken as a sign of betrayal and open hostility; fyodor, too, is cognizant of not pushing dazai to take these actions either—because to do so is a breach of trust. his hand drifts by his side, those words are reassuring at least. his pursuit of the book isn't rooted in particular hate, it is something more amorphous and complex that fyodor at times isn't sure how much to allow within himself. all he knows is that he has to eliminate ability users for the sake of the world.
unintentionally or not, fyodor feels held under a thumb, leashed and contained and bored. the book gives him purpose, without it—all he could do is fade. and he's not ready for that option, he won't. ]
Feeling stagnated breeds resentment. What can you offer me that I would want more than the book? Is such a thing entirely possible? [ rhetorical, he has something he wants badly enough to consider giving up the book. ]
[He really is saying too much. He'll have to make it up to Dazai later. Not Fyodor, though, he's still pissed at Fyodor.
He leans back against the ledge almost immediately after getting up, like he can't decide what to do with himself, hands in his pockets, looking restless despite standing completely still for the moment. This is the worst possible situation, because it feels like everything hinges on coming up with exactly the right answer, right now. He doesn't know what the fuck he can offer that he hasn't already.]
Exhausting you isn't hard.
[Just saying.]
Pretty sure the two of you can figure out a way to challenge each other, if that's what you want.
[What can Dazai offer, here - self-development and the chance of finding peace on the side of good? That's laughable, even to him. Perhaps he's underestimated just how much Fyodor needs to be kept busy, though: it's been a little different for himself, either through circumstances or through differences in personality, and he's come to welcome periods of "boredom" between his regular stints of trying to save the world. He's got plenty of fun hobbies anyway, like making Kunikida's life as difficult as possible.
But then, Dazai chose his current life, and Fyodor did not. Dazai had also basically exhausted all options of his previous life - well, all but one rather unattractive option - before discarding it for another, making for an even less comparable situation.]
I can't tell you what you might want more. [He doesn't think it's up to him to decide that, either. Wouldn't that be just as entrapping as Fyodor's current circumstances?] But I'm willing to help you find it.
[There's bound to be something. He refuses to believe that Fyodor can't have a life beyond destroying the book. Gently, Dazai takes the hand that Fyodor just mutilated once again, and strokes his thumb over it.]
[ fyodor considers dazai's words, and the touch of his hand and dips his head in acknowledgement. none of this had been fyodor's choice and that is perhaps why he also cannot accept them entirely; he's not someone who is desperate for human contact, even though he has grown to cherish it. he also isn't someone who likes being idle, he needs purpose and that isn't going to happen as long as he is here. ]
I want to leave Yokohama for a while. As long as I'm still here, with the book so close—[ he shrugs, takes the chance to briefly squeeze dazai's fingers. ] It is difficult for me to look past it. [ his life isn't all here, he didn't grow up in this city, it isn't his native language and— ]
I don't expect either of you to come but I do want you to trust that I will return as per our agreement.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You want me to touch you.
[Just going to call him out on that.
But he won't punch again. Part of him wants to, but he also doesn't want to ruin this (if he didn't already), so he adjusts his coat over his shoulders and then shoves his hands back into his pockets and steps back, away. He's going to leave more distance between them than really feels comfortable, before hopping onto the ledge, his turn to sit there. He'll let the two of them talk.]
And speak Japanese, assholes. If I don't understand, I'm punching both of you.
[Just as a warning.]
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Do I? [ dostoevsky turns his attention back to dazai since he's the closest and the bigger threat right now; his hand presses against the concrete ledge. he feels hostility and longing and none of it is good. ] Ah, I see. [ but does he? fyodor is intelligent, that is true and he understands emotions yes, he feels them to some extent but not normally like this.
this mixture that could end in disaster and fyodor shields any shred of humanity from his eyes, making his stare flat and bored, though the discomfort and anger are visible in the way his mouth curls when speaking. ]
You have so little faith in me. Both of you. It must be nice to have a godling at your beck and call, Dazai.
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[It's more a statement than a question, said with great nonchalance - but then, it's not the most important point here anyway. Perhaps, all things considered, it's true that Chuuya had exaggerated his reaction to Fyodor's mostly-incorrect (partly-incorrect?) jumping to conclusions, but even if that's true, it only means they have a little more time to fix things. The problem, clearly, still exists.]
Isn't it you who have little faith in us, Fedya?
[To go back to the topic on hand - not that they ever really left it.]
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[He's just stating it as fact, not an accusation, his tone still frustrated but more downplayed than it normally would be. He's trying to hold it back so they can actually talk about this, because he doesn't want to fuck it up even more. He definitely feels like this is his fault.
He pulls one leg up on the ledge with him.]
Do you need me to beat up Dazai to prove myself or what?
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and the book... fyodor doesn't think he truly understand how necessary it is to fix this world, but that is not a discussion right now. this is a lot more personal than goals that could lead to the end of the world (even if a misstep meant they would all hurl towards it, inevitably). ] I did wonder if there is anything you could do to each other that would truly break your bond. My conclusion so far is that there is not.
Chuuya could beat you within an inch of your life and you'd still forgive him in that very particular way of yours Dazai. Nothing of this has ever been about me.
[ he will never be able to be human enough to be on the side of good ] And, thanks to the godling it finally occurred to me that this experiment of yours Dazai is entirely about you. [ which, maybe he always had felt that way about it but now... ] I have no desire to be reduced to a pawn after having been your equal.
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Now that is a bad joke.
[There's a grain of truth to it, perhaps, but the key point about Chuuya is that he does have free will. It's just that his choice is often to serve others in some capacity or other. If he truly had no free will - especially in that - he wouldn't be at all interesting.
Not that Dazai wants to admit to any interest, there, anyway. And he would certainly never forgive Chuuya for beating him up, how dare you suggest such a thing?! But, again, he tries to focus on the actual problem.
He walks over to Fyodor, sits down on the ledge next to him - not close enough to touch, but close enough to be emphatically seeking proximity physically as well as emotionally (for whatever emotions mean to either of them; for whatever such actions are worth when they're not a native language to either of them).]
How fortunate! I have no desire to reduce you to a pawn, either. [... Well... in the interest of full honesty (or as close as he ever gets to that), let him specify:] Certainly not in this.
We're similar, but we're not the same. Whatever the outcome for you, it doesn't influence my own results, does it? [He taps his fingers on the ledge, a brief, random rhythm.] I won't deny the benefits of multiple samples in this as any other experiment, but that was never my reason for doing this.
In the end, I was just curious.
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I have no desire to see my humanity played as an experiment for your satisfaction—but you know this, you knew this. Did you not? I could allow this before but I cannot anymore. Will not.
[ oh.
he looks away and shifts, facing the opposite way towards the skyline despite having moved closer; the same casual opening for physical and emotional intimacy offered by dazai. ] Those differences between us seemed nonexistent before and now they are stark, sharp— like you're peeling my skin and I am unable to get under yours. That doesn't feel right.
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[A bit brutal, if you squint, but that's not how he means it, his voice soft, perhaps a touch empty, hollow around the edges. No, this hadn't been about him, and he doesn't think his intentions were nearly as selfish as Fyodor claims, but... even if there was only the thinnest selfish lining to them, the desperate desire to have some company and understanding in this undesired life of his, Dazai can't say that Fyodor's feelings are wrong or even unexpected.
This may not be Dazai's fault, but it's still the
maritalbed he made, and he'll have to lie in it. Or be truthful in it, as the case may be. But what even to say in this kind of situation? He really doesn't want to pressure Fyodor - not with this.Ah... He did it again, didn't he? He wanted something, and therefore he lost it.]
... Sorry. This wasn't the outcome I had in mind.
[He means the way Fyodor is feeling, not the more practical results of Fyodor throwing a minor tantrum. Those are, after all, Fyodor's own choice, and Dazai has no say over them, even if he will stop Fyodor if he chooses to try destroying the world again.]
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[ fyodor isn't afraid of dying nor if being alone; he might not like the second one very much but it is manageable. ]
It's coming to a point now, I must give up the book or return to my objective. How else can this move forward without that choice being made?
[ and maybe that's why he's reacted so badly too; he feels trapped. it feels like he's been tricked into this, made into a pawn rather than an equal.]
And in my current state, what I will do will not be the clean cut I envisioned. It will be messy and many are going to die, not only because they must but because I want to express this ... feeling.
[ on the plus side: he's saying this directly rather than going through with it right away???? ]
no subject
But he doesn't like this. He doesn't like any of this.]
Since when the hell do you apologize?
[Sure, it's aimed at Dazai, but it's meant for Fyodor. And he's even breaking one of the cardinal rules for dealing with Dazai: Never point these things out to him, or he'll run. But it's so fucking obvious that Dazai gives a shit here. And if Dazai wants to fix things with Fyodor, maybe he'll stay.
He wants to move closer, but he feels like he shouldn't.]
Why would you need to be able to read each other perfectly?
[That's not really the main issue, but.]
No one can ever read another person like that.
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Chuuya gets a dirty look for daring to suggest that Dazai never apologizes - close to the truth as it may be! - but Dazai doesn't start that particular argument here and now. Apart from anything else: this is not about the two of them.
... Well, maybe just a little dig after the fact, once Dazai does finally speak again.]
While Chuuya's brain is as small as all the rest of him, what he says does have a grain of truth to it.
If we've reached the limits of how far we can read each other [because, while he doesn't otherwise point it out, that is certainly mutual, as is to be expected] the rest is up to trust, and communication.
[He does absolutely see the irony of a person like him using the T-word, but what else can he do? There comes a point when brains and logic and analysis can't get you any further, and you have to rely on other things at best, and the randomness of experimentation and chance at worst. That goes for trying to be on the side of good; perhaps it goes for relationships as well.]
You've already expressed your feeling, Fedya. I can't tell you what to do or not do with it, but I can tell you it's been heard.
[Not that he really knows what to do with it, himself - but hey, he never claimed to be an expert, here.]
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fyodor grimaces at chuuya's words, he doesn't agree—one should be able to, one should be able to slip into the skin of another and feel no separation. the closest there is so having a soul. but those are philosophical thoughts not the reality facing them now.
a sigh, loud and drawn out. discomfort radiating from such a simple act. ]
You say if, you do not think we have reached them?
Regardless, [ he leans forward, elbows on his knees as he considers.
he wants the book, he wants this, he wants—] I wish— I wish ... to be set free.
How long can the ADA keep something like me anyway?
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Isn't that the point of getting to know each other? It takes time.
[It did for him and Dazai, too... And the two of them have never figured out communication at all. It's almost funny.]
If you want to be free, why are you here? You were pretty damn easy to find, Fyodor.
[He's managed to soften his tone a bit from his earlier anger, at least.]
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[Strange and contradictory, but that's how it is. They can only come closer and closer to understanding each other fully with time, though there will likely always be some dark corners.
Dazai wishes Chuuya would stop talking, but that just means it's a day that ends in Y. If it's freedom Fyodor wants, he should have it. That's not anyone else's choice to make.]
I will not allow you to destroy this city or this country. That is not negotiable.
... But if you wish to be free of the ADA, I will make it happen. If you wish to find another avenue instead, I'll help you in whatever way I can.
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he brings a finger to his mouth, nipping at the edge of it as he thinks. the skin gives way, it bleeds and fyodor finds that a comfort, bad habit or not. ]
And if I were speaking of destroying this city I would have been clear about that, too. This desire isn't linked to arbitrary destruction and murder, which are not things I engage in without purpose.
Which is what—if you want me to give up the book, in the state I am in, I cannot.
[ he is trapped by that, he wants to be free but that can't happen no matter what way he looks.
he needs dazai to understand. he needs chuuya to see. he doesn't entirely know how to do either when he himself can't find a way to summarize things. ]
no subject
You left.
[It's directed at Fyodor, but it might as well be for Dazai, considering everything. He drags his hands over the back of his neck, tension in his shoulders, in his face, even easier to read than normal. He hates not feeling like he should be part of this conversation.]
Do you even know what I'd be willing to give up for you? For either of you?
[The answer should be that obviously they know, but they don't, he thinks, because he's not sure he knew before this either. He has to fix it. He has to fix it for them. He hops down off the ledge, but he's not making eye contact.]
We can figure out a next step that doesn't go straight to giving it up.
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And so he goes for a third option that is equally out there, if a lot grosser to think about: he agrees with Chuuya (more or less).]
Mhm. If you can't give it up, don't give it up.
[That's something to work on for the future, then, but he can't force Fyodor to give up on anything - not really, and not long-term - and he knows it. More relevant here, though, is that he doesn't really want to corner Fyodor that way, even though he will absolutely do it out of necessity, if Yokohama is at risk.
Apart from that, though? The thrill of beating Fyodor wore off about .5 seconds after the victory in question - and that was before this weird relationship happened. Beyond the urgent and practical, keeping Fyodor under his thumb was never his goal.]
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unintentionally or not, fyodor feels held under a thumb, leashed and contained and bored. the book gives him purpose, without it—all he could do is fade. and he's not ready for that option, he won't. ]
Feeling stagnated breeds resentment. What can you offer me that I would want more than the book? Is such a thing entirely possible? [ rhetorical, he has something he wants badly enough to consider giving up the book. ]
I'm tired, you've both exhausted me.
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He leans back against the ledge almost immediately after getting up, like he can't decide what to do with himself, hands in his pockets, looking restless despite standing completely still for the moment. This is the worst possible situation, because it feels like everything hinges on coming up with exactly the right answer, right now. He doesn't know what the fuck he can offer that he hasn't already.]
Exhausting you isn't hard.
[Just saying.]
Pretty sure the two of you can figure out a way to challenge each other, if that's what you want.
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But then, Dazai chose his current life, and Fyodor did not. Dazai had also basically exhausted all options of his previous life - well, all but one rather unattractive option - before discarding it for another, making for an even less comparable situation.]
I can't tell you what you might want more. [He doesn't think it's up to him to decide that, either. Wouldn't that be just as entrapping as Fyodor's current circumstances?] But I'm willing to help you find it.
[There's bound to be something. He refuses to believe that Fyodor can't have a life beyond destroying the book. Gently, Dazai takes the hand that Fyodor just mutilated once again, and strokes his thumb over it.]
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I want to leave Yokohama for a while. As long as I'm still here, with the book so close—[ he shrugs, takes the chance to briefly squeeze dazai's fingers. ] It is difficult for me to look past it. [ his life isn't all here, he didn't grow up in this city, it isn't his native language and— ]
I don't expect either of you to come but I do want you to trust that I will return as per our agreement.