[That's about as far as Chuuya is willing to stretch this definition of "behaving just fine." Especially when Dazai makes that next comment. He stops, trying desperately to remember if that's actually a thing here, but he really has no idea. It's not like it's something he would have checked before coming here.
He's also trying not to imagine how going to a nude beach would go, and slowly turning red as he fails.]
I can't risk being naked in public with you.
[They both know what would happen. Dazai would make sure it would happen. And he doesn't think anyone else at the beach would be very happy if Chuuya kept having to hide an erection.]
[See?! Dazai was totally right about behaving. And now Chuuya's given him a compliment! What a glorious morning, indeed~ (Oh, sure, he's stretching the definition of a compliment a little. But it counts if he feels it counts - and he does!)]
Are you sure about that? [Don't worry, the question was entirely rhetorical.] You enjoy being naked in private with me so much, I thought you'd enjoy expanding your repertoire.
[Not really, or he would have made some different arrangements. But it's fun to think about while also embarrassing Chuuya! That's basically Dazai's favorite way to multitask.]
[It really is a great morning for Dazai, because that was another compliment. Chuuya hadn't actually meant to give him one, but it's the truth. He'll blame it on the fact that he's starting to feel that piña colada now (how strong was it??), and then he'll drink some more, because it's not a morning for smart decisions.]
And you've already done stuff to me in public. You made me come in public. [He's at least keeping his voice down a little.] So I shouldn't trust you.
[Not that he wouldn't go along with another of Dazai's plans. Maybe. Probably. But he definitely shouldn't think too much about that now, or he's gonna have a problem he needs to hide in this public space as well.]
[Dazai may be relaxing in his seat, but he's also preening, because apparently he's just in a mood for compliments right now! Or at least for the semi-accidental nature of them. Isn't it just another way of embarrassing Chuuya, just... without Chuuya being fully aware of it yet? This is truly what a vacation is all about!]
I didn't hear you complain at the time.
[That is almost certainly a lie. But since Chuuya clearly hadn't meant it, it didn't count.]
Clearly you should trust me more than you trust yourself!
[Okay, even Dazai can't say that seriously. But they don't need to be particularly seriously at the moment, he thinks, so there's no harm in it.
... He does try to hijack the drink, though, just in case. If Chuuya ends up making too much trouble too early, it will just be a lot of work for Dazai - and that's not what he meant when he said he knows what Chuuya wants!]
[Chuuya will let Dazai take the drink for now, since it was supposed to be for both of them. It also allows him to roll onto his side, facing Dazai. He reaches over him to grab a few snacks from their side table, lying closer with each movement, even though he'd been the one to create that slight distance between them out of embarrassment.]
If I'd complained I would have drawn too much attention!
[But Dazai is right. Chuuya didn't actually mind. He enjoyed it. He always does.]
I mean I'm not saying no to whatever plans you have. But that doesn't mean I trust you!
[Probably not, really; people don't pay nearly as much attention to others as anyone with even half a brain might assume. But any attention that happened at the time, theoretical or otherwise, embarrasses Chuuya, and so it seems a shame to deny it altogether. Let Chuuya stew, and forever wonder how many people witnessed what exactly!
Dazai can't help but snicker a little, good-naturedly. Of course Chuuya would be right not to trust him, but that doesn't mean his statement is actually true. Dazai doesn't really feel like arguing that point, though. He does value Chuuya's trust, even though he'll still gladly abuse it under specific circumstances.]
You trust me to know what you like. Isn't that enough?
[Here, he'll even offer the final sips of the drink to Chuuya. Clearly that proves it!]
[Because he wouldn't be surprised if someone noticed, and that's definitely embarrassing. Too embarrassing. He still gets embarrassed when it's just Dazai watching, even though Dazai's attention is his goal. It doesn't make much sense. But he's relieved he chose to roll onto his side, since that means no one else on this beach can see his reaction now.
He'll happily take those final sips, even though he probably shouldn't. He's already had enough.]
Yeah. I guess. [Because he really does trust Dazai.] And I know there's a limit to what you'll do to me. Somewhere. And you're the owner so you decide what I show off and where.
[He says it like it's an established fact, even though they really haven't talked about it. But he's drunk and it's how they've always ended up doing things anyway. Chuuya does have his limits - but Dazai has a pretty big possessive steak, so it works out.]
[It does, indeed, work out just fine, since Dazai enjoys embarrassing Chuuya, but otherwise doesn't generally enjoy showing him off in a sexual sense. That practically counts as sharing! And who in their right mind would do a thing like that?! ... Well, Dazai still would, with the right people and/or under the right circumstances. But in general? It seems like a waste.]
There's a good boy~!
[Even if Chuuya is drunk, that's a very nice statement, so Dazai will reach out to pet Chuuya's head as a reward.]
Come to think of it, I should have had you wear a skirt today.
[There's something about being praised like that that always gets to him. He spent a long time rejecting it, even though it feels good - or because it feels good, when it's not something he's supposed to want. He's at least given up on that by now, but he still has to fight back a too strong reaction, making his cheeks turn red all over again.
The petting feels good, though. He gives in and rolls his body more forward, until his head is resting against Dazai's chest. At least that way he can hide his face a little, too.]
I can change later.
[Because agreeing that Dazai can decide his clothes if he wants will definitely not backfire.]
[Well, this is going even better than Dazai was hoping for! As long as Chuuya is resting against his chest, Dazai is just going to leave his hand on Chuuya's head. Why not? It's comfortable!]
Shame I didn't bring your tail, really.
[Nah, he doesn't really care. For that matter, he's not sure yet if he can be bothered getting Chuuya to change into a skirt, especially since Chuuya being so obedient now doesn't necessarily bode well for later. But the sentiment is appreciated, regardless.]
... Need to sleep it off already?
[Phrasing aside, it's a genuine question more than a jab. As much as Dazai enjoys bullying and embarrassing Chuuya, a peaceful moment like this is kind of nice, too.]
[Chuuya relaxes more against Dazai when that hand stays there. He always tries to keep some distance between them in public, and every time he inevitably fails. And every time he fails, he forgets why he would bother trying to resist in the first place. It feels so nice.]
Do I wanna know what you brought instead of the tail?
[Because he knows Dazai has packed other toys. He tried to look while they were packing, but if Dazai wanted to keep something from him, he wouldn't have found it.]
Nah. Not sleepy. [Not yet, at least.] Have to stay like this to hide my reactions.
[His very specific reactions to the bullying that already happened.]
[He's definitely brought a few toys. Nothing extraordinary, really - what's special this trip is their location and the time spent together, more than specific acts Dazai has planned - but enough to entertain them for a good while. They may just buy some special "souvenirs" here, while they're at it. (Ooh, now there's a thought - time to get some souvenirs for Mori, too! Maybe one of those bottle openers shaped like a limp wooden dick. That seems suitable.)]
What if I want people to see your reactions?
[If that was what he absolutely, definitely wanted, he would have arranged for it by now, probably. But he's curious to know what Chuuya will say, anyway.]
[There's no way to stop himself from imagining that for a second: Having to roll onto his back again for the sake of putting himself on display. Most people wouldn't actually pay attention, he knows that, but he also knows that Dazai could easily make sure he stayed hard for the entire time. A few people would definitely see.]
I'd call you a bastard.
[But it's just a "what if," so Chuuya doesn't actually have to do anything. In fact, he settles himself more comfortably against Dazai, like he's making a point (or maybe he's shielding his face from Dazai, too.)]
[It's hard not to snicker at that casual (if highly theoretical) insult, but Dazai mostly manages to hold back.]
I can do that.
[You owe him now, though, Chuuya. Just so you know.
But Dazai doesn't especially feel like rubbing it in (or off, as the case may be), since he, too, is surprisingly comfortable. That has less to do with any physical sensations, probably: it's more of an existential comfort, which - for that matter - is far less common.
He's still going to lean down and give Chuuya a kiss on the top of his head, though. That is what happens to good boys! Dazai doesn't make the rules.]
[He absolutely knows that Dazai will claim that he owes him. But maybe Chuuya can get away with arguing that what he owes is actually just calling Dazai a bastard, as promised. He doubts it can work, but either way, it's a problem for future him.
He looks up at the kiss, surprised, but it's only a second before he turns his head away again. It felt a little too nice for something so small, and he's not sure what to do with that feeling, or the strange warmth spreading from the point where Dazai's lips pressed against his head. He's smiling. He's not even aware of it.]
I guess we can play the part of newlyweds while we're here. They give you special treatment for that, right?
[Clearly that's why they're doing this: Cuddling in public and being... soft? That can't be right. Not that he'd be willing to stop.]
[It's not like Dazai hasn't already (ab)used some misconceptions on their alleged wedding, but Chuuya suggesting they spread the misinformation more actively still makes him stop and think for a moment - which he does, and continues to do, though the part he talks about is not the part he's thinking about, really.]
Mhm, but are you sure you can handle that? You're already all shades of red, and the sun has barely touched you.
[Which is to say: clearly Chuuya is way more easily embarrassed than Dazai about these things. (Or Dazai is just shameless. Could be that.)
On that note, Dazai makes a mental note to himself to "forget" to rub lotion on a random heart-shaped spot on Chuuya's back, whenever it comes to more time in the sun. Would be cute to see Chuuya with a heart-shaped mark - especially if Chuuya doesn't realize it's there!]
[Of course Dazai has to call him out like that. Chuuya reaches up and tries to slap a hand over his mouth, even though that has never worked any of the many other times that he's tried it.]
Shut up.
[Of course it's embarrassing, but they're doing all the newlyweds-type behavior anyway, and Chuuya is definitely going to end up embarrassed either way, so Dazai really doesn't have to say anything. This is, apparently, happening. And Chuuya is already a little too flustered at that thought to come up with anything to defend himself.
But maybe that's a good thing. It's distracting him from thinking too deeply about what all of that actually means.]
If we're pretending to be married I'd have to call you Osamu, though, and it's harder to yell that angrily.
[Flawless logic and excellent priorities, right there.]
[No matter how familiar Dazai is with Chuuya's inability to drink, the speed and severity of the effects still surprise him sometimes. Chuuya's hand, therefore, finds its target - though that's also because Dazai didn't try to stop it.
They both end up looking kind of awkward. Thankfully Dazai doesn't care. He will, however, eventually try to move Chuuya's hand away, if Chuuya doesn't remove it himself, since it's hard to have a conversation otherwise. He hopes Chuuya will be nice about it, but licking Chuuya's hand is always a back-up option. (It just seems like a back-up option that will get Dazai punched, considering the circumstances, so he's not that eager to risk it if he doesn't have to.)]
[Chuuya doesn't resist when Dazai moves his hand away again. He's still too comfortable to want to ruin it, too relaxed to really be upset or annoyed for more than a moment. Sure, Dazai has him flustered again, but if being teased like this was enough to make him not want to be close anymore, then he wouldn't be here at all. It was always inevitable. He knew that. He knows Dazai. He wants Dazai.
And he also isn't one to back down from a challenge. He said he'd say it angrily, though, so that's what he's doing, even if he doesn't actually mean it.]
Osamu. Osamu. Osamuu--
[He tries it with a few different inflections, but the anger doesn't come across the way he'd want. That might be because of how intimate it feels to use his given name, though. Dazai uses his, but so does everyone. Then again, the two of them stopped using honorifics pretty much the same day they met, so the lines there have always been blurred. They were always different. If anyone has the right to use Osamu, it's him.
If he rationalizes it like that, maybe he can pretend his reaction isn't as strong as it is.]
[Ohno... It's always right when Dazai thinks that Chuuya couldn't be more adorable that he does, indeed, rise to the challenge (though not necessarily the challenge originally thrown out there!). And it's true: only Chuuya has the right to call Dazai "Osamu", really. Sometimes Dazai thinks that that's why Chuuya doesn't, normally: because there's nothing to gain from it.
Nothing to lose either, though. It does feel kind of intimate, but not in a bad way.]
Are you going to be one of those old western ladies that say someone's full name when they're mad at them? [Pensively, Dazai starts stroking Chuuya's hair again. (Really, it's soft and it's there, what else is he supposed to do?!)] Because if that's the plan, we should probably get a few extra names, while we're at it.
[Not really - but who cares? He's just making conversation. And possibly opening them up to a nickname or two that isn't an insult, but there's no real need for those, either.]
[Having the right isn't the same as being given permission, the way Dazai just did. But that's what a lot of this relationship has been for them: finally acknowledging something that's been true for a long time. Finally allowing themselves to actually have this. Sure, it's scary in a weird way, but it also feels good.
(Which is probably what's scary.)
But the way Dazai is petting his hair again also feels good. It's at Dazai's own risk, because Chuuya isn't going to fight the way it makes him melt and relax. He closes his eyes, just enjoying it, wondering if he should climb fully on top of Dazai and use him as a bed, in spite of the heat and the fact that they're in public.]
I already have a ton of extra names for you. [But the mental image of what Dazai said actually makes him huff out a laugh, so he'll go along with it.] But how about Dazai Crabcake Osamu.
[Chuuya melting and relaxing has definitely been calculated in; anything more not quite, but the possibility hasn't been fully disregarded either. Few of the possible outcomes here could truly be negative, and Dazai, for one, would be happy to temp fate a little, even if he considered any negative outcomes as likely. They're on vacation! They can do whatever they damn well please.]
Ooooh, is that my own version of beefcake~?
[He won't disturb Chuuya's position more than necessary, but he will lift a leg and put the previously petting hand behind his head to pose a bit. He's sexy and he knows it~! (Now if only anyone in the world could figure out why!)]
[Chuuya opens his eyes again so he can take in Dazai's pose, and this time his laugh is actually a full one. It's ridiculous. Dazai is ridiculous. So maybe he'll forgive him for that pause in petting.]
Since you'll never have any actual beefcake.
[He lightly slaps Dazai's hip to illustrate his point, hand curling to reach his lack of an ass before pulling back again. There's nothing there. But Chuuya does find him sexy, and could list a number of reasons why, if he felt like it and wasn't too embarrassed by the thought.]
[Dazai gives a soft but exaggerated little "ow~!" in response before curling his leg around Chuuya in would-be revenge. He also resumes petting, though, so he's clearly not at all bothered.]
I don't want any actual beefcake.
[Imagine him bulky. Just imagine. What a horrifying vision of a monster! Even disregarding the fact that he wouldn't dream of putting in the amount of energy it would take to grow real, actual muscles, what would the benefit even be? It's a waste of time and resources, actually!
Though, speaking of beef:]
Guess you'll have to get your steak elsewhere.
[Just not his sex. That said, maybe this could count as distant dinner plans?]
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[Well, he sees no benefit in any admission to the contrary, anyway. The day is still young! Maybe he wants to save all his misbehaving for later.]
I didn't even take you to the nude beach.
[... Their holiday destination may not even have one, actually. But it will be fun to see how Chuuya reacts, regardless.]
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[That's about as far as Chuuya is willing to stretch this definition of "behaving just fine." Especially when Dazai makes that next comment. He stops, trying desperately to remember if that's actually a thing here, but he really has no idea. It's not like it's something he would have checked before coming here.
He's also trying not to imagine how going to a nude beach would go, and slowly turning red as he fails.]
I can't risk being naked in public with you.
[They both know what would happen. Dazai would make sure it would happen. And he doesn't think anyone else at the beach would be very happy if Chuuya kept having to hide an erection.]
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Are you sure about that? [Don't worry, the question was entirely rhetorical.] You enjoy being naked in private with me so much, I thought you'd enjoy expanding your repertoire.
[Not really, or he would have made some different arrangements. But it's fun to think about while also embarrassing Chuuya! That's basically Dazai's favorite way to multitask.]
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[It really is a great morning for Dazai, because that was another compliment. Chuuya hadn't actually meant to give him one, but it's the truth. He'll blame it on the fact that he's starting to feel that piña colada now (how strong was it??), and then he'll drink some more, because it's not a morning for smart decisions.]
And you've already done stuff to me in public. You made me come in public. [He's at least keeping his voice down a little.] So I shouldn't trust you.
[Not that he wouldn't go along with another of Dazai's plans. Maybe. Probably. But he definitely shouldn't think too much about that now, or he's gonna have a problem he needs to hide in this public space as well.]
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I didn't hear you complain at the time.
[That is almost certainly a lie. But since Chuuya clearly hadn't meant it, it didn't count.]
Clearly you should trust me more than you trust yourself!
[Okay, even Dazai can't say that seriously. But they don't need to be particularly seriously at the moment, he thinks, so there's no harm in it.
... He does try to hijack the drink, though, just in case. If Chuuya ends up making too much trouble too early, it will just be a lot of work for Dazai - and that's not what he meant when he said he knows what Chuuya wants!]
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If I'd complained I would have drawn too much attention!
[But Dazai is right. Chuuya didn't actually mind. He enjoyed it. He always does.]
I mean I'm not saying no to whatever plans you have. But that doesn't mean I trust you!
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[Probably not, really; people don't pay nearly as much attention to others as anyone with even half a brain might assume. But any attention that happened at the time, theoretical or otherwise, embarrasses Chuuya, and so it seems a shame to deny it altogether. Let Chuuya stew, and forever wonder how many people witnessed what exactly!
Dazai can't help but snicker a little, good-naturedly. Of course Chuuya would be right not to trust him, but that doesn't mean his statement is actually true. Dazai doesn't really feel like arguing that point, though. He does value Chuuya's trust, even though he'll still gladly abuse it under specific circumstances.]
You trust me to know what you like. Isn't that enough?
[Here, he'll even offer the final sips of the drink to Chuuya. Clearly that proves it!]
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[Because he wouldn't be surprised if someone noticed, and that's definitely embarrassing. Too embarrassing. He still gets embarrassed when it's just Dazai watching, even though Dazai's attention is his goal. It doesn't make much sense. But he's relieved he chose to roll onto his side, since that means no one else on this beach can see his reaction now.
He'll happily take those final sips, even though he probably shouldn't. He's already had enough.]
Yeah. I guess. [Because he really does trust Dazai.] And I know there's a limit to what you'll do to me. Somewhere. And you're the owner so you decide what I show off and where.
[He says it like it's an established fact, even though they really haven't talked about it. But he's drunk and it's how they've always ended up doing things anyway. Chuuya does have his limits - but Dazai has a pretty big possessive steak, so it works out.]
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... Well, Dazai still would, with the right people and/or under the right circumstances. But in general? It seems like a waste.]
There's a good boy~!
[Even if Chuuya is drunk, that's a very nice statement, so Dazai will reach out to pet Chuuya's head as a reward.]
Come to think of it, I should have had you wear a skirt today.
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The petting feels good, though. He gives in and rolls his body more forward, until his head is resting against Dazai's chest. At least that way he can hide his face a little, too.]
I can change later.
[Because agreeing that Dazai can decide his clothes if he wants will definitely not backfire.]
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Shame I didn't bring your tail, really.
[Nah, he doesn't really care. For that matter, he's not sure yet if he can be bothered getting Chuuya to change into a skirt, especially since Chuuya being so obedient now doesn't necessarily bode well for later. But the sentiment is appreciated, regardless.]
... Need to sleep it off already?
[Phrasing aside, it's a genuine question more than a jab. As much as Dazai enjoys bullying and embarrassing Chuuya, a peaceful moment like this is kind of nice, too.]
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Do I wanna know what you brought instead of the tail?
[Because he knows Dazai has packed other toys. He tried to look while they were packing, but if Dazai wanted to keep something from him, he wouldn't have found it.]
Nah. Not sleepy. [Not yet, at least.] Have to stay like this to hide my reactions.
[His very specific reactions to the bullying that already happened.]
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[He's definitely brought a few toys. Nothing extraordinary, really - what's special this trip is their location and the time spent together, more than specific acts Dazai has planned - but enough to entertain them for a good while. They may just buy some special "souvenirs" here, while they're at it. (Ooh, now there's a thought - time to get some souvenirs for Mori, too! Maybe one of those bottle openers shaped like a limp wooden dick. That seems suitable.)]
What if I want people to see your reactions?
[If that was what he absolutely, definitely wanted, he would have arranged for it by now, probably. But he's curious to know what Chuuya will say, anyway.]
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I'd call you a bastard.
[But it's just a "what if," so Chuuya doesn't actually have to do anything. In fact, he settles himself more comfortably against Dazai, like he's making a point (or maybe he's shielding his face from Dazai, too.)]
Save it for when I'm less comfortable at least.
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I can do that.
[You owe him now, though, Chuuya. Just so you know.
But Dazai doesn't especially feel like rubbing it in (or off, as the case may be), since he, too, is surprisingly comfortable. That has less to do with any physical sensations, probably: it's more of an existential comfort, which - for that matter - is far less common.
He's still going to lean down and give Chuuya a kiss on the top of his head, though. That is what happens to good boys! Dazai doesn't make the rules.]
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He looks up at the kiss, surprised, but it's only a second before he turns his head away again. It felt a little too nice for something so small, and he's not sure what to do with that feeling, or the strange warmth spreading from the point where Dazai's lips pressed against his head. He's smiling. He's not even aware of it.]
I guess we can play the part of newlyweds while we're here. They give you special treatment for that, right?
[Clearly that's why they're doing this: Cuddling in public and being... soft? That can't be right. Not that he'd be willing to stop.]
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Mhm, but are you sure you can handle that? You're already all shades of red, and the sun has barely touched you.
[Which is to say: clearly Chuuya is way more easily embarrassed than Dazai about these things. (Or Dazai is just shameless. Could be that.)
On that note, Dazai makes a mental note to himself to "forget" to rub lotion on a random heart-shaped spot on Chuuya's back, whenever it comes to more time in the sun. Would be cute to see Chuuya with a heart-shaped mark - especially if Chuuya doesn't realize it's there!]
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Shut up.
[Of course it's embarrassing, but they're doing all the newlyweds-type behavior anyway, and Chuuya is definitely going to end up embarrassed either way, so Dazai really doesn't have to say anything. This is, apparently, happening. And Chuuya is already a little too flustered at that thought to come up with anything to defend himself.
But maybe that's a good thing. It's distracting him from thinking too deeply about what all of that actually means.]
If we're pretending to be married I'd have to call you Osamu, though, and it's harder to yell that angrily.
[Flawless logic and excellent priorities, right there.]
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They both end up looking kind of awkward. Thankfully Dazai doesn't care. He will, however, eventually try to move Chuuya's hand away, if Chuuya doesn't remove it himself, since it's hard to have a conversation otherwise. He hopes Chuuya will be nice about it, but licking Chuuya's hand is always a back-up option. (It just seems like a back-up option that will get Dazai punched, considering the circumstances, so he's not that eager to risk it if he doesn't have to.)]
Are you saying you're not up for that challenge~?
[Call him Osamu then, he dares you!]
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And he also isn't one to back down from a challenge. He said he'd say it angrily, though, so that's what he's doing, even if he doesn't actually mean it.]
Osamu. Osamu. Osamuu--
[He tries it with a few different inflections, but the anger doesn't come across the way he'd want. That might be because of how intimate it feels to use his given name, though. Dazai uses his, but so does everyone. Then again, the two of them stopped using honorifics pretty much the same day they met, so the lines there have always been blurred. They were always different. If anyone has the right to use Osamu, it's him.
If he rationalizes it like that, maybe he can pretend his reaction isn't as strong as it is.]
Maybe I should only use Osamu when I'm not angry.
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Nothing to lose either, though. It does feel kind of intimate, but not in a bad way.]
Are you going to be one of those old western ladies that say someone's full name when they're mad at them? [Pensively, Dazai starts stroking Chuuya's hair again. (Really, it's soft and it's there, what else is he supposed to do?!)] Because if that's the plan, we should probably get a few extra names, while we're at it.
[Not really - but who cares? He's just making conversation. And possibly opening them up to a nickname or two that isn't an insult, but there's no real need for those, either.]
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(Which is probably what's scary.)
But the way Dazai is petting his hair again also feels good. It's at Dazai's own risk, because Chuuya isn't going to fight the way it makes him melt and relax. He closes his eyes, just enjoying it, wondering if he should climb fully on top of Dazai and use him as a bed, in spite of the heat and the fact that they're in public.]
I already have a ton of extra names for you. [But the mental image of what Dazai said actually makes him huff out a laugh, so he'll go along with it.] But how about Dazai Crabcake Osamu.
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Ooooh, is that my own version of beefcake~?
[He won't disturb Chuuya's position more than necessary, but he will lift a leg and put the previously petting hand behind his head to pose a bit. He's sexy and he knows it~! (Now if only anyone in the world could figure out why!)]
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Since you'll never have any actual beefcake.
[He lightly slaps Dazai's hip to illustrate his point, hand curling to reach his lack of an ass before pulling back again. There's nothing there. But Chuuya does find him sexy, and could list a number of reasons why, if he felt like it and wasn't too embarrassed by the thought.]
Crabs are just bone and so are you.
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I don't want any actual beefcake.
[Imagine him bulky. Just imagine. What a horrifying vision of a monster! Even disregarding the fact that he wouldn't dream of putting in the amount of energy it would take to grow real, actual muscles, what would the benefit even be? It's a waste of time and resources, actually!
Though, speaking of beef:]
Guess you'll have to get your steak elsewhere.
[Just not his sex. That said, maybe this could count as distant dinner plans?]
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