indensity | now we’re swallowing the shine of the summer

now we’re swallowing the shine of the summer

[Chuuya turned into the alley just in time to see Dazai fall over, a man with a bat standing over him. There were a few more people standing around, too - who the hell had his ex-partner pissed off now, Chuuya wondered. And how the hell had they managed to get the better of him. Dazai might be a shitty fighter, but he always had a plan.

Chuuya was already kicking one of the men into a wall when he remembered that Dazai's plan was often him.

If t was, he was going to kill him, he decided. They weren't partners anymore, after all. But it might just be a coincidence, too. This wasn't Port Mafia territory. Dazai probably hadn't known he'd be in the area. But if he'd got himself caught up in some thugs' business without a plan, then Chuuya was really going to kill him.

The last of the men went down, and Chuuya hurried over to check on Dazai. He crouched down next to him, gently patted his face, then pinched his nose for a few seconds to see if he really was passed out, or just being lazy. No reaction. He had a few scratches, some bleeding. One of the wounds looked bad, but it wasn't life threatening - it just needed to be cleaned and bandaged, or he'd almost definitely get an infection.

Alright, so. What the hell did he do?

Most people would bring him to the hospital, but Chuuya wasn't most people. He was mafia. And he knew Dazai valued his privacy, too. He could bring him to that pet agency of his, but the thought of doing that for Dazai made his skin crawl. Besides, he couldn't let word get out that he'd carried a traitor to safety. He could leave Dazai here. But then Dazai wouldn't know Chuuya had helped him, and he really wanted a chance to rub that in the asshole's face.

— He could bring him home.

It felt weird. It was something he would have done when they were partners. But it was only because he wanted to annoy him, not because he actually cared that he was hurt. Still, Chuuya hesitated a bit. He brushed Dazai's hair back, just to check his scalp for any other injuries. Yeah, he'd bring him home. He couldn't wait to see Dazai's face when he realized who had saved his sorry ass.

Carefully, Chuuya shifted Dazai around, pulling him up slightly by the arms, and then leveraged his weight onto his shoulders in a fireman's carry. Then he set off in the direction of his apartment. ]

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[Chuuya couldn't be exactly be considered to see his men as nothing but pieces to be used. He was protective of them. He would die for them if he had to. But in his experience, death was unavoidable, and everyone had to be prepared for the possibility, every day. He didn't want to lose any of his men, but he knew he would - it was part of being a leader.

And he knew Dazai never hesitated to use them before, so what had changed? If he actually cared about that pathetic group when the rest of them had been so easy to discard for him, Chuuya might never forgive him.

He took his time with the wound, and even found himself rubbing Dazai's scalp slightly, to help with the headache he knew he must have. He stroked the hair away from his face, so that when he wrapped bandages around his head, the strands wouldn't bother him.]

You should sleep, but I'll have to check on you every few hours.

[He stayed still while Dazai was wrapped around him, though.]

[Well, well. Chuuya was definitely being very nice to him, wasn't he? Even though he knew better than most what Dazai was capable of.

It was actually pretty annoying - and though that was not exactly Chuuya's fault, there was no one else to blame. These illusions of Chuuya caring about him, not to mention the implications of such feelings, were incredibly frustrating.

Maybe Dazai had been hit on the head harder than he thought. Part of him wanted to make the moment linger, but that was not in his best interest when it came to swallowing those painkillers, now hidden under his hand. Even messing with Chuuya further, tempting as it was, would only keep Chuuya from leaving the way he should. And so Dazai tried to keep it simple, his body relaxing and his voice very deliberately oh-so-tired.]

This... It's a little... nostalgic.

[It wasn't a thank-you, but Chuuya wouldn't have believed that anyway. Perhaps this would serve better. For now, Dazai planned to pretend at being asleep, his breathing slow and steady, and to wait until Chuuya had left to take every last one of those pills.

Have fun when you come for your first check-in and find Dazai genuinely passed out with an empty strip of pills somewhere in the bed~!]

[Chuuya didn't know what to say to that. It was nostalgic, but he didn't want to admit it. Not when it was only an illusion that he'd ever had it in the first place. Dazai had played him for a fool, then left when he got bored; he was probably doing the same now.

He ended up not saying anything at all. He helped Dazai off with his pants so he'd be comfortable, pulled a blanket over him, and then left.

He spent the next couple of hours unable to relax. He put on a mindless action movie, and spent most of the time glancing at his own bedroom door. He couldn't focus, and it was a relief when he could finally go wake Dazai up again. He didn't know what to do with himself, with his ex-partner sleeping so close by.

And as it turned out, he shouldn't have been trying to relax at all.

Chuuya noticed the pills almost immediately. It took a split second to realize the implications, and then he ran over to Dazai's side, shaking him awake.]

Dazai? Dazai, you asshole, wake up.

[Did he sound worried? Because he was actually worried. He pressed two fingers to Dazai's wrist to check the strength of his pulse, wondering if he should be calling a doctor.]

If you die in my bed, I'll kill you.

[Really, it was too easy - but that was the problem with life in general, wasn't it? Too easy; not enough of a challenge. And yet, in spite of that - or because of it? - not rewarding enough to bother with. Dazai waited patiently until he was sure Chuuya was nowhere nearby to blearily open his eyes just a little, confirming that Chuuya truly wasn't around to see him, and then he swallowed all the pills.

It wasn't that he couldn't handle the pain. It wasn't even that he wanted to die. He was just so bored that, once in a while, risks had to be taken. It was bad enough to keep living; he at least needed a little something to spice things up every now and then. And, all right, the lack of pain was a nice bonus. Drifting off for real this time was remarkably peaceful.

...

There was a voice from far away, piercing the pleasant-yet-sharply-chemical cloud that Dazai had been floating along on. Things were moving, and Dazai's face scrunched up a bit - which required more effort than he cared to expend, but it was the movement making him do it. He didn't like it.]

That's cruel... I wasn't expecting angels to come for me, but to think the devil would send leprechauns...

[... Yeah, he was fine, mostly. Well enough to say a thing like that, anyway - and he only sounded a teensy bit tipsy, his voice not quite cooperating.]

[Chuuya never thought he'd be relieved by Dazai insulting him, but if he was conscious that was a good sign. He still wasn't convinced he was okay, not sure how dangerous taking that many painkillers was, or how quickly any serious symptoms would show.]

You need to throw up.

[He just wasn't sure how to make him, since he wasn't about to stick his fingers down Dazai's throat. Not unless he absolutely had to. Maybe movement would be enough, if he was still dizzy. Chuuya grabbed him, pulled, twisted him onto his stomach with his head hanging over the edge of the bed. Then he kicked the bucket under his face.]

Make yourself vomit. I'm calling a doctor.

[Someone he knew wouldn't ask too many questions. Someone he knew could be trusted. He pulled out his phone before Dazai could object, and started dialling. He was worried. He hated this kind of worry. He should be used to it from Dazai, he shouldn't even care, but the asshole always did this to him. Shit.]

[The floaty feeling that had been so pleasant before wasn't nearly as nice when Dazai was being thrown around like a slab of meat. Likewise, while he hadn't felt nauseous anymore, the movement of his body that his eyes couldn't seem to keep up with was definitely making his stomach uncomfortable again.]

Don't. [It was a remarkably calm and straight-forward statement. No doctors. Even the most reliable of them would answer to Mori before they answered to Chuuya, and there was a professional connection as well as the Organization hierarchy. Calling in any doctor was too big a risk for Chuuya to take.

Not that Dazai really cared about Chuuya getting in trouble, of course. But he might have developed an aversion to Mori touching what was his without him planning for it to happen.]

I'll throw them up, so... hang up.

[There was no point, really. The overwhelming majority of the pills' active components would have long since been absorbed by his body - but if this would make Chuuya feel like he'd won, then Dazai would let him have his supposed victory. If nothing else, it would hopefully make Chuuya's revenge that much gentler. Dazai didn't regret swallowing the pills or letting Chuuya take him here, but he didn't feel as capable of dealing with Chuuya physically as he would normally be. Even the mental games were taking a lot out of him.]

[If Dazai was present enough to protect his own privacy, that was a good sign. Chuuya still wanted to call, to ask for advice even if he didn't ask the doctor to come, but after a moment's hesitation he decided to do what Dazai said and hang up.

He sat next to Dazai on the bed again, sighing, trying not to be too upset. It wasn't as if it was surprising.]

Why the hell do you always do this?

[Or something like it, anyway.

He could at the very least use his phone to go online, check how dangerous that amount of pills was. He could have done that from the start, but he'd panicked, too reminded of all the times Dazai had talked about killing himself. Chuuya had yelled in his face once that there was no way he'd ever let him.]

[His eyes closing briefly, Dazai smiled.]

I wonder...

[Why did he do these things, indeed? If Chuuya didn't understand it by now, he would never understand it. That was fine: nobody ever did.

Nobody ever had, except for one.

Well, a promise was a promise... Taking a deep breath, Dazai opened his eyes again, staring down into the bucket. His arms were rather uncooperative - not painful, though! the pills were doing their job! - but he managed to move them enough to stick two fingers down his throat, making himself throw up. There was little enough that came out, because when did he ever eat enough, but there was at least diluted gastric acid, with some half-digested capsules floating around in it.

Ahhh, maybe he'd been too quick to give up, after all... Somehow, that small defeat was more discouraging than his physical state right now.]

You definitely... [He wiped his mouth. Gross, gross, gross.] ... owe me a drink now.

[Some help getting into a better position wouldn't go amiss, either. Dazai felt like throwing up had taken almost all of his energy.]

[Chuuya looked down into the bucket (yep, gross), relieved to see at least some of the pills came back up. He was a bit more gentle this time as he grabbed Dazai and rolled him back over, supporting him with one arm behind his back as he held out the glass of water with his other.]

You're still the one who owes me. [He was a bit less panicked now (google said the pills wouldn't kill him), which meant he could think beyond just 'what the hell do I do?'] You knew I'd react like that, so there's no way I'm apologizing.

[Dazai was still fucking with him. Still playing his games, still trying to get reactions out of him for fun. And Chuuya was letting him. He'd let his guard down. With Dazai.

Why the hell was he doing this again?]

Don't you ever stop?

[He knew the answer to that.]

[Yay, a glass! ... Ugh, water. Not that he'd really expected any different, but his brain was still fuzzy, and with alcohol on his mind -...

Well, nevermind. It was hard to maintain any line of thinking, thoughts sinking away, quickly getting out of reach, as soon as they popped up.]

I tried to stop?

[Just now, when he almost overdosed, l o l... Okay, not really, but it was fun to rub it in all the same. No - perhaps "fun" wasn't the right word. It was a habit; the motions he went through just to keep going. It had been fun, once; now, it rarely so much as tickled him. But what else was he supposed to do?]

Your reactions never disappoint.

[Not the kindest thing to say, perhaps, but oddly enough, Dazai's tone of voice was soft, almost gentle.]

[Stop complaining, Dazai. You have a beauty taking care of you, even if this beauty is never going to let him die. Also isn't a woman.]

If you wanted me back in the room, you could have just yelled.

[Because that's what you'll get now, Dazai: Chuuya's watchful eye over you, constantly, until he's decided you're well enough to leave. He wasnt risking it again, ane he knew there was no way to Dazai proof anything. He'd find a way to hurt himself in a padded room.

Chuuya wasn't supposed to fucking care anymore, though.

He took the glass back to return it to the nightstand, staying quiet for a few seconds. It wasn't kind at all. The reminder that Dazai was toying with him, had always been toying with him, hurt. But that wasn't something he ever planned on letting show. Besides, he was used to it.]

One of these days I'll just ignore you.

[The funny thing about padded rooms: when you dig out the padding -...

Oh. No padded rooms today. Well, he could live with that.]

One of these days, you should.

[Dazai would be the last to say that Chuuya ignoring him wasn't what he deserved. Dazai knew exactly what he was doing - what he'd always been doing. It just wasn't a reason to stop.

Was he sitting...? Yes, he was. Balance was a strange thing, though, and with Chuuya's support gone, Dazai decided to lie down.]

Those pills were pretty good...

Hey, Chuuya. Lend me your lap?

[Yeah, that was bound to get a positive response. Chuuya's legs were too hard to be comfortable anyway, but Dazai was feeling nice and floaty, and he might as well ask.]

Except you'd never admit if you were lonely.

[He'd always suspected Dazai needed people, but at this point, he definitely doubted himself. But he wanted to know for sure. That's why he could never quite let Dazai go.

But he didn't hate himself enough to let Dazai rest in his lap.]

You're lucky I'm letting you have pillows at all.

[Chuuya is going to sit on the floor, by the door, watching Dazai sleep. That's what he's going to do.]

[Even if Dazai realized he was lonely (by some definition of the word), what point would there be in saying it? He knew too well how limited the connections between people were, how selfish and conditional. Did realizing this and not lying to himself, the way everyone else seemed happy to do, make him a bad person? It certainly made him less of a person.

He was a bad person for other reasons entirely.]

C'moooon, Chuuyaaaaa...

[Here Dazai was, admitting he was lonely - and this was the response he was getting! Some argument you're making here, Chuu.

Dazai made the effort of looking at Chuuya, tilting his head a little. He was feeling pretty sleepy-horny-cuddly right now.]

I promise I won't try anything. [...] Again.

[Not until he'd slept, anyway.]

[Chuuya has heard exactly zero confessions. Dazai has said the words 'I'm lonely' a grand total of no times, and he's never even admitted he likes Chuuya's company.

But Dazai keeps coming back. It has to mean something.

And Chuuya is lonely, too.]

Hold on.

[He can't exactly lie down in bed in his vest and shirt and bolero and harness, not if he wants to get comfortable. Let him just get changed first, opening his closet to find the softest pyjamas he has, changing right there in front of him. It's nothing Dazai hasn't seen before anyway.]

[Heh, pyjamas. No matter how fancy, the change in outfit makes Chuuya seem vaguely like a young boy (in that way, his style choices for his daily wear are pretty effective in making him look adult in spite of his size!) - but it's also kind of nice, seeing him so unguarded.

And seeing him almost naked. That's pretty nice, too. Personal feelings and teasing aside, even Dazai can't deny that Chuuya is attractive.]

Sometimes I wonder why you bother with clothes at all, you look so much better without.

[... Okay, maybe he's a little loopy because of those pills. It's still a compliment, his gaze too lazy to count as strictly lustful, but with an air of that all the same.]

[That makes Chuuya stop in his tracks for just a moment. At least he's turned away from Dazai at the moment, because he can feel himself starting to blush.]

Shut up. You said you weren't going to try anything.

[And Chuuya had known he was lying, but still. He'd only lasted about five seconds.]

And you just threw up.

[Which means Chuuya isn't going to agree to anything anyway, because Dazai's mouth is going to be disgusting and he doesn't want that anywhere near him. In fact, maybe he should get him a toothbrush.

Actually, he should probably feed him. At the very least, he shouldn't be going along with anything Dazai suggests, no matter how innocuous it might seem.]

I can admire the view without flinging myself into the sun, surely?

[... Given that it's Dazai? Maybe not. At any rate, his promise not to "try anything" only referred to things like stealing pills and/or bullying, which isn't the same as sex at all.

Not that he feels up to sex at the moment, between the pills and his injuries. Le sigh... Well, no promises on that front, regardless.]

I said you should have let me have a drink... [It's faster than tooth brushing! It probably kills bacteria!! Also he'd just never say no to a drink.]

I just want to sleep, Chuuya. Actually sleep together.

[It's hardly all he wants, but he's so tired, he'll gladly settle for it.]

You'd fling yourself into the sun even if you didn't like the view.

[You don't even like him, Dazai. But Chuuya can pretend. And Dazai is actually admitting that he wants Chuuya in bed with him (for sleeping!), and there's no way Chuuya can resist that. His ex-partner so rarely admits anything like that.

Although his ex-partner is fully capable of both lying and manipulating.]

I can get you some moutwash.

[To be carefully controlled by Chuuya so that Dazai only gets one mouthfull, and doesn't try to swallow it. Actually, maybe getting him some alcohol is safer. Or a mint. He can't kill himself with a mint.

He turns off the lights, and goes to close the curtains, leaving the room mostly dark. Then he goes to climb into bed next to him.]

[It's true, Dazai hates Chuuya passionately. How could he not? They're evenly matched, except with very different areas of expertise - and neither of them could hope to match the other in their field. As such, they'll always need each other's talents to reach their full potential - and yet neither of them wants to compromise enough to work together.

Besides, Chuuya has the balls to enjoy his life, and that is just rude.

Dazai can't kill himself with a mint? Is that a challenge?! Remember how far he got with tofu! ... Or not, because Chuuya probably wasn't invited back then, OOPS! Sorry, that party was buraiha only.

Dazai will accept mouth wash, anyway. Maybe he won't even make a fuss about spitting it back out. His esophagus has been tormented enough for one night.

When Chuuya joins him in the bed, Dazai will ignore his injuries to roll over and ever so gently cling to him.]

You're not soft enough for a pillow...

[Yet here he is, clinging to his new favorite not-stuffed toy all the same.]

[And Chuuya hates Dazai because--

No, he doesn't. He hates him for being impossible to hate. He's angry with him. Bitter. He wants to yell at him for wasting his life, for throwing away the people who are letting him in. He wants to beat the crap out of him until he stops being an ass. He wants him to take responsibility, to his subordinates if nothing else. He wants to wring his neck.

Instead he's letting Dazai wrap himself around him.]

Shut up. I could make you sleep on the floor.

[They've always been too similar in some ways, and way too different in all the rest. They've been pitted against each other as rivals from the start. But that, it seems, means they're stuck with each other as well.

But at least Dazai will owe him after this.]

You won't.

[The words come out soft and sleepy enough that they barely even count as provocative. But really, Chuuya has gone this far - and Dazai thinks he knows what to expect from the guy. Just like Chuuya knows that Dazai will never admit to owing him anything.

Of course, the words may have been too soft to be heard regardless of intention, sleep-drunkenly mumbled against the nearest part of Chuuya. Dazai hardly ever sleeps, but right now? He's absolutely exhausted, and will actually sleep like a baby for a few hours, staying close to Chuuya like a chick to a heating lamp.

There's one big downside about this passing of time, shockingly peaceful as it is: eventually, the painkillers wear off, and because Dazai had definitely overindulged on them, it makes the contrast with the pain, when it returns, all the sharper. Before he's even fully awake, he winces - and that just makes him feel everything that much more. His breath hitches, and he opens his eyes, trying to reorient himself.

... Well, he supposes it was too wild for a dream.]

[Chuuya is a light sleeper at the best of times. His position within the mafia rarely allows for anything resembling 'time off,' and sometimes he has to go straight from bed to work without time for more than a quick protein bar and some chewing gum on the way. Which means that the second Dazai moves, he's awake.

It's a shame, because he'd actually been really comfortable.]

Don't move.

[He's also trying to reorient himself a little, get his brain to catch up with the fact that yes, he does have his ex-partner (current enemy) in bed with him. But Mom Mode kicks in before his brain does, so he's holding Dazai still, knowing that moving too much is going to make his head hurt like hell.

But now they have a problem.

Because Dazai already took all of the pain killers he had.]

You deserve this.

[He says, while trying to get over the fact that Dazai is nearly naked and on top of him.]

What a cruel thing to say.

[He's not actually denying it, though. Even without thinking ahead as far as the painkillers, Dazai did bring this on himself - or, rather: he took a calculated risk.

That blow to his head was a finishing touch he hadn't anticipated, though. He can't say he approves. Injuries are fine, but when pain starts interfering with clear thinking, it becomes both a liability and just plain frustrating. It's funny, really: most other pain tends to sharpen his brain if anything.

The last thing Dazai wants is to listen to Chuuya, but there's no way he could put up a struggle at this point, even if he wanted to: Chuuya has the advantage in this position, and they're not evenly matched to start with. Besides, Dazai really doesn't want to throw up from headache overload...]

Do I also deserve coffee?

[He doesn't want to move. He doesn't especially want Chuuya to move. But he may as well try to take advantage of his private nurse while he has him.]

[Chuuya doesn’t want to move, either. He wants to hold onto Dazai for this moment, while he has him. He’s also worried that the second he gets up, Dazai is going to do something else to nearly get himself killed.

But this isn’t about what Chuuya wants. It’s about doing his job - about taking care of him, since he decided to bring him home. He sighs. ]

Can you eat anything?

[He’s thinking - maybe plain rice? But he might need to get some painkillers in him first, or he’ll just throw up. But that’s a problem, with the nearest pharmacy ten minutes away.

He’ll have to pay someone to deliver, but Dazai might not let him.]

I’ll make us coffee.

[He’ll get up in a second.]

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